What I've Learned From Tinder

Tinder has been the standard for quick dating these days. It defines our generation to perfection. Let me decide if someone is hot or not without getting to know them. It provides us with the all-inclusive quick and easy fix without deciphering if their soul is something you’d like to pursue. I mean can you imagine walking down the street saying, “hot” or “no” to people. No conversation, no knowledge of anything about them. Here’s what I’ve learned from my brief encounter with Tinder.

1.     It is the epitome of shallowness, where we judge someone solely based off looks.  Hot we say "yes", if not we say "no."  We then become shocked, when there’s no long lasting deep connection.

2.     Don’t ever lead a conversation with, "my friends made this profile for me and are making me do it." Ummm… bullshit, you’re sick of sitting at home like the rest of us and haven’t figured out a better solution. You’re no better than any of us, just in denial.

3.     It somehow in someway becomes confusing why Tinder doesn’t actually land a functional relationship. You mean my shallowness and lack of character judgment right off the bat won’t work?

4.     If the person just has a face shot and blurry pictures, don’t be surprised with what they look in person.

5.     There needs to be a review section, like Amazon has. I feel like knowing that someone slashed their tires so they could stay the night at someone’s house, would be pertinent information that I would like to know about before hand.

6.     They only thing scarier than a guy in his picture with a big ass gun, is a girl with a big ass gun pointing it directly at whatever moron is taking the picture.

7.     No… I’m not DTF (down to f*ck), well on second though I might be. Mom I’m kidding, but not really kidding though. Message me and let’s go from there.

8.     Why are there so many people on there that look like serial killers or part of Satan’s entourage?

9.     IF you have RED HAIR, I’m going to think long and hard before I choose which way to swipe. Don’t take that personally, I’m judging all red heads based off one person. I get it… you’re the life of the party, so much fun, and very passionate. However, what the hell you doing with that passion when you’re mad at me. (These are real thoughts that happen before I choose which way to swipe you) Ms. Amy Ruth will stab me for this one.

10. Perfect, put a picture of an entire group as your only picture. I don’t want to guess which one you are. You’re probably just going to be disappointed when I want to date your friend and not you.

11. I don’t know why some people’s profiles don’t say, “if you’re not jacked and or rich get the hell away from me.”

12. Go ahead a put an inspirational quote as your first picture and see if I ever say yes to that, this is the most superficial dating site in the world, adjust your pictures accordingly. 

13. Why in the hell would your first picture be of you kissing someone else?

14. I think the people’s profiles that say either, “lds and won’t date anything else or not lds and won’t date lds” should date, because they are the most judgmental pricks out there.  My only requirement is that someone semi likes me and won’t murder me.

15. Don’t tell me my kids are so cute… Duh… I already know that, but am going to wonder how the hell you know that? I don’t have pictures of them on Tinder. Get away from me stalker.

16. Please… Please….  don’t post a picture of you running and say you love to do it when you don’t. Even more importantly, don’t be shocked when I say I do it and actually do it five times a week.

17. No, we won’t be meeting at my house. I did that once and for sure thought I was going to be murdered.

18. Ummm… No you can’t bring your kids on our first date. I thought this was the make-out date? Was that not you? I get confused cause this can’t be a for real dating site.

19. You’re opening line should never just be, “hey” or “what’s up.” You have the perfect opportunity to write anything you want and that’s all you can come up with?

20. Do not put up a picture with you and your attractive friend. Make sure you are hotter than everyone in your pictures. It helps that you are the most attractive one in your pictures. I have a ton of friends better looking than me, but you don’t see me putting them up on Tinder. The last thing I want you asking is for my friend’s number.  

21. You want to know the people that write, “I don’t care if you go to the gym or workout.” The people that don’t go to the gym or workout.

22. Please don’t send me links to your webcam. I just got a free offer from somebody that was DTF so you better believe I’m not paying for a webcam.

23. NOOOOO!!!! Is what echoes from my mouth after I accidently said no to someone hot because I had previously been saying no to people like it was my job.

24. You sure as shit better hope my daughter isn’t around when I’m doing this, cause it’s almost a guarantee it’s a no.

25.  If you’re 32 why are you putting a high school dance picture up? I can’t say yes to that…. That’s wrong in so many levels to think a 17 year old is hot.

26. Why are you shooting a picture that is shot directly up at your nose? Why would that be attractive?

27. If you’re over the age of 27, no college education, living in your parents’ basement, you may want to adjust what qualifications you’re looking for in a partner. I want to win the lottery too but most likely not going to happen.

28. I swear to god if you use someone else’s pictures and catfish me, I will screenshot your profile and take your picture when we meet up. I’m dumb but I’m not that dumb.

29.  Find the biggest asshole you know, and have them look through all your pictures before you post them.

30. If you’re wearing a bikini in your pictures do not say, “I hate it when guys only pose in front of the mirrors with their shirt off.” How in the hell is what you’re doing any different?