This was the weekend of love. People on dates at various restaurants, millions of heart felt cards, thousands of roses, and enough kisses to go around the world. With different questions being thrown my way, I got challenged to write about what love means to me. At first, I scoffed at the idea. My initial and only reaction for a couple hours on end was, “like I know what the hell love looks like.” In my glass half empty mind I thought, look at my past. It’s been filled with heartache and pain. People haven’t known how to love me and I sure didn’t know how to love back.
I stood at Harmon’s last night and watched guy after guy run into the store and look as frantically as possible for something to buy so they could be the, “good husband or boyfriend.” No effort, no thought, just mere panic because they couldn’t be the one that didn’t buy flowers for Valentines Day. Most of them couldn’t give two shits about the actual day. We have been succumbed to showing our love and affection one day a year instead of doing it all damn year. Love isn’t a once a year, I’ll go buy some fake ass shit that I put no thought into.
I sat and pondered what the definition of love means and the more I thought, the more abundance of love I remembered I have felt throughout my life. I’m 0-2 with my serious relationships but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what love is or feels like. I have had the unique opportunity to be around my cousin who is the founder and CEO of “The Loveumentary” & “Unbox Love.” As we talked, I realized in my short 30 years, four things I’ve come to understand and believe about love.
1. Love is all-inclusive. Let me explain: Not all relationships we will be in throughout our life will workout. Someone will break our heart; we will break others hearts, and sometimes things will fizzle out, as does a fire when it’s not fed. All of these things are ok. It’s part of our genetic makeup to find love, and when our needs aren’t being met, we look elsewhere.
Here’s the problem, part of love should include wanting the other person to be sincerely happy. If someone you love wants to be with another person and no longer wants to be with you, you should want them to be happy and respect that decision of theirs.
Our society has taught us that we can’t love someone fully, if we aren’t sleeping with him or her. If the person we had loved is looking for the sex drug from someone else, then hate and anger fill our heart. They weren’t fully satisfied with us or we weren’t fully satisfied with our ex so we left them to find the sex drug from a more compatible partner. Guess what, you can still love someone you’re not sleeping with. You can still respect that person and want them to be happy. This is a recent lesson I’ve learned.
2. Love is never anger. We get so frustrated with those closest to us. We know their biggest flaws and weaknesses. I firmly believe if we look at things from the other person’s point of few, a lot of relationship problems would be solved. Be understanding and not hateful. When you want to hate someone you love, you should remember why you feel in love and be understanding. I’m so sick and tired of getting on social media to read about how fucking awful people’s ex’s are. Yo dipsit, you were in love with them at one point. At one point in time you found something you loved about them. We see what we choose to see. Maybe you’re not in love with them anymore but that doesn’t mean you have to not love them. Maybe they did something stupid, we should love a person for their weaknesses as well. There’s no such thing as perfection and even though our flaws differ they are in each of us.
Here’s a fact, I love my ex wife. I’m not in love with her but I love her. I love the way she treats my children. I love her for teaching me how to be kind to people. I love her for showing me that it’s possible to find love and get married again.
3. Love is never 50/50 it’s 100/100. If I read another thing that says in order for a relationship to work it has to be 50/50 I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I don’t know about you but if you give anything less than 100% effort in whatever life endeavor you do, you’ll fail. You will not reach the plateau. I’ve been in relationships where it wasn’t 100/100 and guess it didn’t work out.
Be understanding, be all in or get the hell out. No one deserves to not have your full attention and full heart. If you not fully in, refer to #1 to see if you meet that criteria. If you’re angry and choosing to not be understanding, refer back to #2. At all points of a relationship we should give it everything we have. If we don’t we will slip and start to tumble down that mountain we climbed together.
4. Love is never controlling. It's a simple as that. We don't hold them down but lift them up in hopes that they'll fly. We control possessions, and love isn't a possession, it's a feeling.
Look, relationships are work. I’ve been the angry one. I’ve been the one that makes fun, talks shit, not understand. I’ve been the one that leaves cause they’re not happy, I’ve gotten left; I’ve been happy, sad, full of joy, and heartbroken. Maybe that’s why my idea of love is constantly evolving, maybe I understand more about love more deeply than I ever would have, because I’ve been through these things. I’m grateful for everyone I’ve loved in the past. For everything they have taught me. While I have funny stories, that are funny to share, I choose to remember the good and what things were like at their best. I’ve learned some incredible life lessons from past relationships. To all of you, thank you for helping me become the person I am today.
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