Eric Doehrman

It’s been a little hard to believe all the support I’ve gotten from this blog. I did it just as a fun idea, thinking it would only be something my mom would read. Shocked that thousands have read it. I’ve been so blessed throughout my life to have come across some of the most incredible people. I think on Thursday’s I will do a “Thankful Thursday” blog on someone who has in someway shape or form touched my life.

Eric Doehrman

Have you ever had a dream that you could feel but that you’re not quite sure you could explain? Did your dream leave you without a road map, never knowing exactly how you were going to get there again? My dream was about triathlon. And with it, my dreams have me achieving some pretty amazing things.

 

But just like in life, we have big things we want to accomplish and often times, we don’t have a compass telling us how to get there.

 

If we’re lucky though, we may meet someone who is wise beyond their years; someone who has so much to teach that if whether we have years together, or only have a few brief moments, they can change our lives forever.

 

For those like this, they can bring out the best in us, show us how to believe in ourselves when everyone else doubts us. These are the kind of people that make you believe anything is possible. They don’t tell you it’s going to be easy but, they teach that you through hard work and dedication, anything’s possible.

 

Let me introduce you to Eric Doehrman. Eric’s who’s helping me reach my dreams. He’s the man with the compass.

 

Eric’s been my coach, my mentor, and a friend to me for years. He’s helped countless individuals realize their dreams by giving them the right map to chase them down. He’s the first one who believed in me, and I’ve seen that same great passion of his exude onto others. He’s the kind of guy who is first to pick you up and the last hanging around when you need someone. He’s many people’s biggest supporter. And when you believe you can’t, Eric’s there to help you understand and believe that yes you can.

 

Eric has a way about him. And there’s always a method to his madness. He’s the type you listen to, a coach that’ll make you faster, stronger and better. He knows the limits of his athletes and he's never satisfied with mediocrity. He does his homework and understands the sport of triathlon better than anyone I’ve ever met.

 

Eric’s smarts translate off the field as well. He’s a man that taught me that family comes first. As much fun as triathlon is, being a dad is more important. Family is scheduled first, triathlon second. He’s a humble guy, never asks for praise. He’s one who always leads by example. Not only does he talk the talk, he walks the walk. The love he has for his wife beams from his; he cares for his kids, and takes care of his athletes.

 

For all he’s taught me, to say I’m lucky to have come across this incredible man, is quite an understatement. Thanks, E. I owe you. Big.

The Kindness Cure

I owe this article to a lot of different people I have met throughout my life. Because of some recent comments and opinions, my mind has been spinning; the thoughts I finally jotted down today.

Kindness. One simple word. I've reflected a lot on this one word, while it also draws a lot of attention to my flaws. So I asked myself what does kindness really look like? Is it even something that can be reached or does the true definition of kindness only exist in fairytales? 

For so long, kindness was a theme that was commonly used in high school and college to describe women or men we didn't find attractive. It became apparent that making up some word would be better than not saying anything at all. It became a go-to that most of us would use to characterize certain people. I can't count how many times I heard the phrase, "but she's really nice." It almost became an insult to be known as kind.

Words like bitch, jerk, asshole, dick and so many others have become common place in our society. It’s now ok to be a bitch because apparently that defines a person as getting and knowing what they want. People define themselves as this as if it's ok. The number of times I've heard, "he couldn't handle me because I can be a bitch" is unbelievable.

Want to insult someone nowadays? Tell them they’re kind. Watch them squeal as they wonder if that is the only word you will use to define them. Don't believe me? Go try it. I did it all morning and more often than not people responded with, "Thanks. I guess."  

Yes, I really did it….I went to the mall this morning in Salt Lake City and asked 100 different people if they considered themselves to be kind. 93 people responded they did. When I then asked if they were kind to everyone they know: only 23 people responded they were. 70 percent believed they were kind people but weren't kind all the time. The seven percent that responded they weren't kind also stated they were kind to some people. I find it interesting that 93% of people considered themselves kind but admitted they weren't kind to everyone. This leads me to believe that do we actually know what true kindness is. But ask yourself, someone saw you behind closed doors, would they consider you kind?

As pain sets into our heart throughout our lives, we get momentary gratification when we throw pain onto someone else. Our shallow minds believe that if we hurt someone else, it will make us look better or feel better. Hate is a drug that can be very addicting, at times almost impossible to quit. Hate becomes cheap and easy, as negative comments about an individual roll off tongues as if these words are gospel truth. We rarely know a chapter of the truth in someone's life but act as if we know the whole book. It's easier to jump off the “making fun of” cliff with our buddies than to put our foot down and say, "Fuck that. I think that person is badass." I don't know why standing up for someone and being kind has become so difficult. We all believe that because we’re kind to our friends, that we’re truly kind. Really? I’m calling bullshit on that. Kindness isn't mutually exclusive.   It’s all inclusive. 

Let me be clear.  I'm no exception to this rule. I've taken the hate drug more times than I can possibly count and it's never led me to satisfaction. Making fun of someone, while maybe given me temporary gratification, has never given me lasting comfort and joy.  My mother taught me based of her actions what kindness looks like. I've never heard her say a bad thing about anyone, ever. Being rude is not something I was taught growing up. It was never present in my house. 

These past 6 months, I've had the opportunity to climb more mountains and be on more peaks than ever in my life. The mountain trails are beautiful. Each one is so different. Some are gradual inclines over a longer distance, while others have a steeper elevation over a shorter distance. While each path is different, the elevation gain is the same. There are hundreds of ways to get the top. No which way being better than the next.

This is the same with each person we meet. They may choose a different path but we’re all on the same mountain. Each trail and each person has their own distinct qualities that make them beautiful. As we climb our individual trails, we’ll stumble and fall but none of us should be characterized by that. Rather, we should be defined by our journey, not judged by which path. When we can recognize and lift others up, we will begin to understand what life is all about. 

Over the next 30 days, I'm starting a challenge to be positive and show compassion and kindness. I ask you to join me. It’s my goal to right some of the wrongs I've done; to be kind to some of those I haven't. I have some tough phone calls to make and some hard letters to write, but I'm committed to kindness and compassion. I'll track my journey and for once in my life I'm done taking the cheap hate drug and look to find the exclusive kindness pill. 

To anyone else who wants to join this journey with me, let me know. Let's start a group and begin a kindness movement. Let's make being kind cool again. 

The Scariest Things A Woman Can Say

This article is simple, these are ten of scariest things I’ve heard from women throughout my life. 

1.    “I’m fine” or the text “K.” These are two of the scariest things you could possibly say. When you respond this way, I know I’m in trouble, I just don’t know why. She isn’t fine though. Whereas when men say this they usually mean either “I’m fine” or “Give me a minute and I’ll be fine,” when a woman says this she means “Guess what’s bothering me right now.” Since you aren’t a mind reader, you aren’t ever going to guess right. You might even overplay your hand and give her ten other things to be mad at you about. Tread lightly until she decides to tell you, in painstaking detail, precisely how she’s not fine. When it comes to text, I will text something like, “hey sweet girl, I miss you” to which I get a response back, “k.” I begin racking my brain to my core wondering what I did. It could really be anything. I could have forgotten to do something or you could have read a text on my phone that made you made.

2.     “No, I don’t mind if you do X.” Whether it’s playing video games or heading out for a night with the boys, rest assured, if you have to ask, she minds, and she minds big time. When you roll back in, get ready for the silent treatment or at least the terse treatment. Think of this as a prequel to “I’m fine” and you’ll start to understand things a bit better.

3.    “Where do you want to eat for dinner? Or It’s up to you.” This one is one of the biggest tricks you play on our male species. You generally reply with, “I don’t care, you choose.” I pick somewhere, which the reply generally becomes, “ugh, I really want anything besides Mexican food.” I pick again and while sitting at the restaurant you go quiet. I ask what is wrong to which you tell me, “I’m fine.” No we are back to square one and I’m in trouble and I don’t know why.

4.    “I want to set my friend up, do you think she’s hot?” Guys, tread very lightly on this one. If you say, “yeah she’s way hot” that phrase will be used against you from the remainder of your relationship. Every time that girl ever shows up at any party you are at with your significant other there will be passive aggressive jokes about how you suddenly wish you came to the party with that other girl cause she’s so hot.

5.    “I’m really into you, I’ve just been super busy.” Come on, man. You know this is complete bullshit. How many times has a “super busy” girl that’s “totally into you” ever come around? How many times has this line been the beginning of the end with regard to you dating someone? So why keep falling for it? What it means is that she’s not that into you and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by coming right out and saying it. Deep down you probably already knew that. The irony is, the best chance you have of her somehow becoming less busy at some point it to take it in stride and move on.

6.    “You don’t care.” I obviously haven’t shown you in the way you want that I actually do care. However, you go extreme and just tell us we don’t care. Just tell us what we are doing wrong.

7.    “Am I Fat.” This actually isn’t a am I fat question. I’ve learned to never respond with, “well we could get in better shape and get a trainer.” What she’s asking is whether you think she’s attractive or not. Answer this question and DO NOT HESITATE, answer it quickly.

8.    “We Need.” This one is simple, she wants something, don’t think about it logically or you’ll be in a fight. Just get it for her.

9.    “We need to talk.” She wants to bitch about something you’ve done wrong. Sit down and listen cause she is going to complain about something you’ve done wrong. You want to absolutely set her off the edge, tell her the same thing. She won’t be able to think straight. She’ll assume worse case scenario immediately.

10.  Lastly, my personal favorite “I’m not emotional or overreacting.” Right? Everything you have said has been perfectly normal and logical. Talk to me when you are no longer on your period. You’re not in the right state of mind, you crazy person.

Stop Being a Dick

 

In trying to become the best parents we can, we teach our children from an early age that it’s actually not ok to make fun of someone. Hurting other children’s feelings is never ok. The importance of never putting someone down in taught. If our wonderful children don’t have anything nice to say, we urge them to not say anything at all.  In school, at home, or wherever else they may go, be nice to others we say.

In my brief stint as a parent, guess who copies everything I do or say? If I swear guess who picks up a swear word? If I get a snack guess who else wants a snack? That’s right, my children. We are such hypocritical assholes. I’ve always wondered why children could be so mean. I understand it now. Some people can absolutely be the rudest, most disrespectful, passive aggressive people out there.  We want our children to be nice but we aren’t willing to follow suit.

There are grown adults who feel the need to put others down like it’s their fucking job. They feel the need to belittle people, hurt them, or try to destroy them. In somehow, some shape or some form, instead of talking about how cool people are, they talk about how terrible these people are. They talk about the weaknesses and faults, instead of the abilities and talents these individuals have as if Satan himself had entered the building. 

People, “hear” something and proclaim it to be the gospel truth. Instead of taking things with a grain of salt, whatever is said in the heat of the moment becomes reality.  Since when did everything that was put on the internet or TV become the truth? Did we lose track of our ability to actually think before we react? The fire becomes fueled and instead of putting it out, we ignite it. Logs, gasoline, and whatever other igniter we can think of is thrown on the fire, all because we heard something.  Rarely if ever do we go to the source.

Let’s get something clear as well, being passive aggressive is still mean. Just because you don’t have the balls to say what you actually mean to the persons face, doesn’t make it ok. We all to a certain extent, become keyboard warriors. We hide behind the computer and are champions in our mind. We write something and screenshot our friends, so we can show them how, “cool” we are. Our friends write us back and say, “hell yeah, I can’t believe you wrote that. You’re the shit!” We perpetuate the cycle and things continue. However, the things we write would never have been something we would have said to an individual.  A dear friend of mine told me, we should never write something that we wouldn’t be able to confront an individual about.

There’s a certain sense of entitlement we feel. We believe we are better than someone if they don’t talk to us the way we want to be talked to or if they don’t do the things we believe they should do. We may have a job that pays more so we consider ourselves a higher class. In our narcissistic minds, we believe we are better than someone. It’s never ok to think that. Guess what you’re not better than me and I’m not better than you.

Lastly, we all each of have our own faults. It’s a fact, none of us our perfect. You can sit their with your small mind and believe your fault is not as big a deal as another’s or you can understand we all have them and we should be loving others for theirs. Maybe just maybe, instead of putting someone down, you should try and lift them up.  Maybe we should heed our own advice and be kind. Kindness and understanding have become such a rarity these days. Be the one that breaks out of that cycle. Be the bold one in the group that doesn’t go with the flow when someone is being put down. Just be a good human and love those no matter what. Stop being a dick and start being a nice kind human for once.

Love is Never 50/50, it's 100/100

This was the weekend of love. People on dates at various restaurants, millions of heart felt cards, thousands of roses, and enough kisses to go around the world. With different questions being thrown my way, I got challenged to write about what love means to me. At first, I scoffed at the idea.  My initial and only reaction for a couple hours on end was, “like I know what the hell love looks like.” In my glass half empty mind I thought, look at my past. It’s been filled with heartache and pain. People haven’t known how to love me and I sure didn’t know how to love back.

I stood at Harmon’s last night and watched guy after guy run into the store and look as frantically as possible for something to buy so they could be the, “good husband or boyfriend.” No effort, no thought, just mere panic because they couldn’t be the one that didn’t buy flowers for Valentines Day. Most of them couldn’t give two shits about the actual day. We have been succumbed to showing our love and affection one day a year instead of doing it all damn year. Love isn’t a once a year, I’ll go buy some fake ass shit that I put no thought into.

I sat and pondered what the definition of love means and the more I thought, the more abundance of love I remembered I have felt throughout my life. I’m 0-2 with my serious relationships but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what love is or feels like.  I have had the unique opportunity to be around my cousin who is the founder and CEO of  “The Loveumentary” & “Unbox Love.” As we talked, I realized in my short 30 years, four things I’ve come to understand and believe about love.

1. Love is all-inclusive. Let me explain: Not all relationships we will be in throughout our life will workout. Someone will break our heart; we will break others hearts, and sometimes things will fizzle out, as does a fire when it’s not fed. All of these things are ok. It’s part of our genetic makeup to find love, and when our needs aren’t being met, we look elsewhere.

Here’s the problem, part of love should include wanting the other person to be sincerely happy. If someone you love wants to be with another person and no longer wants to be with you, you should want them to be happy and respect that decision of theirs.

Our society has taught us that we can’t love someone fully, if we aren’t sleeping with him or her. If the person we had loved is looking for the sex drug from someone else, then hate and anger fill our heart.  They weren’t fully satisfied with us or we weren’t fully satisfied with our ex so we left them to find the sex drug from a more compatible partner. Guess what, you can still love someone you’re not sleeping with. You can still respect that person and want them to be happy.  This is a recent lesson I’ve learned.

2. Love is never anger. We get so frustrated with those closest to us. We know their biggest flaws and weaknesses. I firmly believe if we look at things from the other person’s point of few, a lot of relationship problems would be solved. Be understanding and not hateful. When you want to hate someone you love, you should remember why you feel in love and be understanding.  I’m so sick and tired of getting on social media to read about how fucking awful people’s ex’s are. Yo dipsit, you were in love with them at one point. At one point in time you found something you loved about them. We see what we choose to see. Maybe you’re not in love with them anymore but that doesn’t mean you have to not love them. Maybe they did something stupid, we should love a person for their weaknesses as well. There’s no such thing as perfection and even though our flaws differ they are in each of us.

Here’s a fact, I love my ex wife. I’m not in love with her but I love her. I love the way she treats my children. I love her for teaching me how to be kind to people. I love her for showing me that it’s possible to find love and get married again.

3. Love is never 50/50 it’s 100/100. If I read another thing that says in order for a relationship to work it has to be 50/50 I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I don’t know about you but if you give anything less than 100% effort in whatever life endeavor you do, you’ll fail. You will not reach the plateau. I’ve been in relationships where it wasn’t 100/100 and guess it didn’t work out.

Be understanding, be all in or get the hell out. No one deserves to not have your full attention and full heart. If you not fully in, refer to #1 to see if you meet that criteria. If you’re angry and choosing to not be understanding, refer back to #2. At all points of a relationship we should give it everything we have. If we don’t we will slip and start to tumble down that mountain we climbed together.

4.     Love is never controlling. It's a simple as that. We don't hold them down but lift them up in hopes that they'll fly. We control possessions, and love isn't a possession, it's a feeling.

Look, relationships are work. I’ve been the angry one. I’ve been the one that makes fun, talks shit, not understand. I’ve been the one that leaves cause they’re not happy, I’ve gotten left; I’ve been happy, sad, full of joy, and heartbroken. Maybe that’s why my idea of love is constantly evolving, maybe I understand more about love more deeply than I ever would have, because I’ve been through these things. I’m grateful for everyone I’ve loved in the past. For everything they have taught me. While I have funny stories, that are funny to share, I choose to remember the good and what things were like at their best. I’ve learned some incredible life lessons from past relationships. To all of you, thank you for helping me become the person I am today.

Be the Hero of Your Own F*cking Story

While most of the things I write have some sort of comic relief, this is something that I’m very passionate about. I’ve been through it and believe it at my very core. It will come across as direct and straightforward.  However, I think it needs to be said.  By no means am I meaning to offend the way that anyone has lived his or her life. Throughout our life we look for hero figure, someone to mimic that we can look to for inspiration.  We find a great deal respect and admiration for them. These are the people that help everyone, never cheat, never lie; they are epitome of greatness in our eyes.

An internal problem becomes, while we look at them, we devalue ourselves. Deep within we know what’s wrong with us. We may steal, lie, drink too much, can’t stop watching porn, lazy, the list can go on and on. We aren’t the heroes of our story.  We never will be able to stack up because we know our weaknesses and flaws. The problem is you have to be the hero of your own fucking story. Life doesn’t work if you’re not the hero.

Here’s the thing, you can and must be the hero of your story.  You can be the hero of your story today. You can decide right this very second that you’re going to change. You can decide that you’re not your past. You can decided that you’re not all the times you fucked up, you’re not the person that can’t stop drinking, you’re not the person that becomes angry over every little thing, you’re not the person that is depressed with no self esteem, you’re not the person that isn’t living their dream cause you’re too scared. You can change right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re 50 or 19.

Stop fucking worrying about what anyone else thinks about you or what you think about yourself. Do what you have to do for you and don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. Start working out, start doing things for other people, start being the nicest person out there. Be a product of learning from your past. Use your past experiences to become a better more improved you. Stop living and believing this is how life will always be. You’re not your past; you are who you are this very moment in time. Don’t wait for tomorrow to change, do it right this second. You’ll have haters, you’ll have doubters, you’ll have people that will never believe, but it doesn’t matter.

Be the hero of your own damn story. Stop the lie you’ve told yourself that things are always the way they have to be. Stop worrying about all the people you’ve wronged and all the mistakes you’ve made and decided right this second you’re going to change. You can live the life you wanted. You can be the person you’ve always wanted to be but change has to start now. Figure out a way to enjoy this life. Dig deep down figure out in which you believe the best way to live your life is and go do it. Stop making excuses for yourself. Believe and change because it all starts within.

20 Crazy Badass Dates

Here’s the thing, I’m sick of doing the same old shit on every single date. It’s so boring and mundane. Not to mention, I’m a little crazy. I’m upping the ante, which is probably going to scare a lot of people away. These are things I’ve always wanted to do. I will be doing each of them throughout the next twenty dates I go on. If I ask you out, you may want to think twice. Shit is about to get real, fast. Here are my next twenty date ideas!

1. Go to a restaurant ordering solely with hand gestures. Pointing or speaking isn’t allowed.

2. Going to a big store with headphones in. You taking turns dancing behind people that aren’t watching. See how long you can go without getting caught.

3. Make dinner blindfolded. One person is blindfolded while the other person tells them what to do. If the blindfold leaves the kitchen and leads to other things, that’s up to you.

4. Go to the zoo and start giving tours like you work there. Just keep talking about the animals, where they are from, what they eat, regardless if you actually know or not.

5. Take karaoke to the next level. Show up with an old school boom box and head to a crowded place. Blast that shit and sing your lungs out. See how many people you can get to join in.

6. Make a crazy ton of samples in the kitchen. You make your favorite one and your date makes
theirs. Walk around and hand them out. See which one gets the most votes for people’s favorite.

7. Hide and go seek at Walmart!

8. Show up to the airport with an overnight bag and tell the ticket counter you want the first flight out of there. No plans to where you’re going or where you’re staying. Go and stay the night there.

9. Go wedding crash on a Saturday. Drive around to all reception places, try the food and make sure you make it a point to talk to the bride and groom. Act as if you’ve known them your whole life.

10. Go to somewhere crowded (probably a tourist site) photobomb as many pictures as you can.

11. Buy a dozen roses and hand them out to people that you think need it.

12. While out to dinner pick out another couple there and mimic what you believe they are saying.

13. Trick or Treating: Yeah you heard me right. Dress up and go knock on doors and trick or treat. Only catch is you have to do it when it’s not Halloween.

14. Do a date backwards… Meaning start the date with how you would end it and go in that direction. Do EVERYTHING backwards from what you would normally do. By everything, I mean everything.

15. Skinny dipping… Yep you heard me right.

16. Meet somewhere public, create personas, approach your person, hit on them, and see where the evening takes you.  You must stay in role the whole time.

17. Sit on a bench at a mall and play real life Tinder. As people walk by say yes or no.

18. Go do a do it yourself carwash and wash as many cars as you can as if you work there. If you get tips, get dinner after.

19. Rollerskating, I’m talking old school here. Just f*cking skate!

20. When there’s a rainbow, do whatever you can to try and find the end of it. Go to wherever the hell you have to go!

What I've Learned From Tinder

Tinder has been the standard for quick dating these days. It defines our generation to perfection. Let me decide if someone is hot or not without getting to know them. It provides us with the all-inclusive quick and easy fix without deciphering if their soul is something you’d like to pursue. I mean can you imagine walking down the street saying, “hot” or “no” to people. No conversation, no knowledge of anything about them. Here’s what I’ve learned from my brief encounter with Tinder.

1.     It is the epitome of shallowness, where we judge someone solely based off looks.  Hot we say "yes", if not we say "no."  We then become shocked, when there’s no long lasting deep connection.

2.     Don’t ever lead a conversation with, "my friends made this profile for me and are making me do it." Ummm… bullshit, you’re sick of sitting at home like the rest of us and haven’t figured out a better solution. You’re no better than any of us, just in denial.

3.     It somehow in someway becomes confusing why Tinder doesn’t actually land a functional relationship. You mean my shallowness and lack of character judgment right off the bat won’t work?

4.     If the person just has a face shot and blurry pictures, don’t be surprised with what they look in person.

5.     There needs to be a review section, like Amazon has. I feel like knowing that someone slashed their tires so they could stay the night at someone’s house, would be pertinent information that I would like to know about before hand.

6.     They only thing scarier than a guy in his picture with a big ass gun, is a girl with a big ass gun pointing it directly at whatever moron is taking the picture.

7.     No… I’m not DTF (down to f*ck), well on second though I might be. Mom I’m kidding, but not really kidding though. Message me and let’s go from there.

8.     Why are there so many people on there that look like serial killers or part of Satan’s entourage?

9.     IF you have RED HAIR, I’m going to think long and hard before I choose which way to swipe. Don’t take that personally, I’m judging all red heads based off one person. I get it… you’re the life of the party, so much fun, and very passionate. However, what the hell you doing with that passion when you’re mad at me. (These are real thoughts that happen before I choose which way to swipe you) Ms. Amy Ruth will stab me for this one.

10. Perfect, put a picture of an entire group as your only picture. I don’t want to guess which one you are. You’re probably just going to be disappointed when I want to date your friend and not you.

11. I don’t know why some people’s profiles don’t say, “if you’re not jacked and or rich get the hell away from me.”

12. Go ahead a put an inspirational quote as your first picture and see if I ever say yes to that, this is the most superficial dating site in the world, adjust your pictures accordingly. 

13. Why in the hell would your first picture be of you kissing someone else?

14. I think the people’s profiles that say either, “lds and won’t date anything else or not lds and won’t date lds” should date, because they are the most judgmental pricks out there.  My only requirement is that someone semi likes me and won’t murder me.

15. Don’t tell me my kids are so cute… Duh… I already know that, but am going to wonder how the hell you know that? I don’t have pictures of them on Tinder. Get away from me stalker.

16. Please… Please….  don’t post a picture of you running and say you love to do it when you don’t. Even more importantly, don’t be shocked when I say I do it and actually do it five times a week.

17. No, we won’t be meeting at my house. I did that once and for sure thought I was going to be murdered.

18. Ummm… No you can’t bring your kids on our first date. I thought this was the make-out date? Was that not you? I get confused cause this can’t be a for real dating site.

19. You’re opening line should never just be, “hey” or “what’s up.” You have the perfect opportunity to write anything you want and that’s all you can come up with?

20. Do not put up a picture with you and your attractive friend. Make sure you are hotter than everyone in your pictures. It helps that you are the most attractive one in your pictures. I have a ton of friends better looking than me, but you don’t see me putting them up on Tinder. The last thing I want you asking is for my friend’s number.  

21. You want to know the people that write, “I don’t care if you go to the gym or workout.” The people that don’t go to the gym or workout.

22. Please don’t send me links to your webcam. I just got a free offer from somebody that was DTF so you better believe I’m not paying for a webcam.

23. NOOOOO!!!! Is what echoes from my mouth after I accidently said no to someone hot because I had previously been saying no to people like it was my job.

24. You sure as shit better hope my daughter isn’t around when I’m doing this, cause it’s almost a guarantee it’s a no.

25.  If you’re 32 why are you putting a high school dance picture up? I can’t say yes to that…. That’s wrong in so many levels to think a 17 year old is hot.

26. Why are you shooting a picture that is shot directly up at your nose? Why would that be attractive?

27. If you’re over the age of 27, no college education, living in your parents’ basement, you may want to adjust what qualifications you’re looking for in a partner. I want to win the lottery too but most likely not going to happen.

28. I swear to god if you use someone else’s pictures and catfish me, I will screenshot your profile and take your picture when we meet up. I’m dumb but I’m not that dumb.

29.  Find the biggest asshole you know, and have them look through all your pictures before you post them.

30. If you’re wearing a bikini in your pictures do not say, “I hate it when guys only pose in front of the mirrors with their shirt off.” How in the hell is what you’re doing any different?