20 Disturbing Life Lessons I Learned From Disney

Here's the thing, I have a four year old daughter that is enthralled by Disney. Every time she comes over she wants to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. My four year old basically runs my life and tells me what I should be doing. If I'm lucky, I'll get Pirates of the Caribbean or Goonies in. However, most of the time, I'm stuck with princesses. We literally watch the same damn shows over and over and over again. I've learned somethings I apparently didn't pick up as a child. Here's 20 disturbing life lessons I learned from Disney, and 20 reasons why a typical parent probably shouldn't be letting their four year old watch these movies. Who are we kidding, we will still be watching them at my house.  

Beauty & The Beast- It’s perfectly normal to kidnap a girl, lock her ass up, be verbally abusive, and not let her go till she's finally brainwashed and falls in love with you.


Little Mermaid-It’s ok to be a obsessive hoarder. If you’re mad throw yourself on the ground and sob. The moment you meet someone you must get married immediately, because what’s the point in getting to know them. Oh and if you don’t like your appearance, change it.  (Keep reading to get more information about redheads.)


Peter Pan-It’s ok to be a peeping tom and look through girl’s windows, sprinkle a magic dust on them, and force her to come to a place with you while she’s on the magic dust called neverland. While in neverland, you’ll smoke with adults, dance, fight all because you don’t want to grow up cause growing up is for pussies.

Frozen-Here we learn it's ok to be a bitch. Women find out that in actuality you don’t need a prince to rescue you because they are all disgusting, greedy murderers, or lying manipulative sociopaths. Running away from your problems is actually the best solution.

Lion King-Teaches us it’s ok to not share because whatever the light touches is ours. Domestic abusive is nothing out of the ordinary. Hakunmata or YOLO teaches us to do whatever the hell you want, you only live once. And finally our first movie where two men live together and raise a child! People that are worried about this stereotype look how well they did, he became a badass and murdered his uncle.


Hercules-If you have a child that is different from you, you sure as shit shouldn’t keep it. Immediately get that child out of your presence and place it with someone that is a lower class than you.


Alice in Wonderland-It’s ok to take hallucinogens that make you think you’re bigger and smaller. When that doesn’t solve life’s problems it’s ok to take more drugs that take you to another world, where cats and a deck of cards talk to you.

Cinderella-If there’s a child you like less than the others, make them do all the chores, be verbally abusive, and lock them in the house. Soon enough they’ll become develop schizophrenia because of this and start talking to mice. Girls, if you have problems a pair of shoes will make all those problems go away.


Snow White-While Utah teaches us polygamy is ok, Snow White teaches us there’s nothing wrong with being a slut that lives with 7 older men that constantly enforce this by singing, “hi ho.”


Princess and the Frog-White people are rich jerks that don’t share. If you want something in life, sell your soul to the devil. This movie is just fucked up. However my daughter likes it so we watch it.

Finding Nemo- Lock your kids in the house and don’t let them play with anyone that may be different from them. Because other people that are different from us are dangerous.

Brave-Fucking watch out for redheads, they’re bat shit crazy and will mess you up real quick.

Mary Poppins-If you hate your family, hire a magic witch you know nothing about so you can get the hell out of that house and not have to deal with your children anymore. It’s also ok to have spoonfuls of sugar and make up words, as well as date psychopaths that sing and dance with penguins.

Monsters-If you child tells you there is a monster under the bed. Stop being a bad parent, there’s a scary ass monster under that bed!

Pete’s Dragon-Smoking weed is ok.

The Land Before Time-If your first movie or thing in life didn’t come out the way you wanted. Keep making more movies but giving it less effort and thought with each new one that comes out.

Santa Clause-Want to know how Santa is chosen. If you shove his fat ass off a roof and kill him, you’re now Santa! How’s that for punishment.

Aladdin-It’s ok to be a thief and shows us women can be bought with things.

Tangled-If you can’t get married just go steal a child.

Mulan- Girls, if you want to be a guy, just fucking be a guy. Way more acceptable in today’s culture. We even have surgeries for this.

Hunchback of Notre Dame- You sure as shit better believe looks matter. If you’re ugly, good luck in life. It’s going to suck and everyone is going to make fun of you.

Go Do What You Love

It seems like this next subject is quite a common topic. It’s a constant sign of discouragement and it needs to stop. Not next week, not tomorrow, it needs to end right this very second.

Each of us gravitates towards some type of fitness area. We live in a world that is full of whatever you want to do. Crossfit, triathlon, power lifting, trx, yoga, running, dancing, and the list goes on forever. While in theory this is badass, we don’t allow it to be. In a lot of our minds we think our choice for exercise is the end all be all. I can’t tell you the number of people that have ripped gyms, or a person’s fitness lifestyle because they weren’t doing what they do or did. It’s complete and utter bullshit.

I have been in a unique situation over the last couple years to be able to go everywhere. I’m a triathlete at heart, that’s my passion. It’s what I love and crave to do. Have you been to TRX and gotten your ass handed to you? What about being in downward dog and start shaking wondering if your arms would give out? Have you been to crossfit sweating bullets wondering how you were going to make in through the WOD? Have you ran so hard that you saw dips in the track? You ever been on your bike and felt the absolute pain and burn in your legs as you tried to climb a mountain?  What about flip upside down in anti gravity wondering if you’d land directly on your head?

Here’s my point, there are badass people no matter where you go or what you do. I can’t walk into a crossfit gym and compete the same as I can’t compete with people that do Pilates. Badass is a definition that I like to define as,  “Someone who excels at what they do.” We don’t know why an individual chose their sport or fitness goals,  but it really doesn’t matter. Appreciate the uniqueness of each sport and the difficulty that comes with that. Chances are you can't do what they can. Your sport isn't better, it's different.

Instead of knocking or slamming another fitness lifestyle, appreciate that person talent hard work, and is off their couch enjoying their life. No form of fitness is better; it’s what makes the world great. We are allowed to enjoy people and exercise we have a passion for. Keep on keeping on and if you feel hate, maybe you should go see what fitness lifestyle your slamming has to offer. My guess is more often than not you’ll be surprised how difficult it is. Go do what you love with those you love to be around.

30 Things I've Learned in 30 Years

On Sunday I turn 30. Throughout my 30 years of life I’ve had so many ups and downs. I have made countless mistakes. And because of those mistakes, life is great. Since 30 is a mile marker in life, I wanted to share 30 things I’ve learned.  Let me preface this by saying by no means is my list the gospel truth. But, it’s a reflection of the things I think are so important.  Here we go….

1. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you. All that matters is what you think of yourself. Do what you have to do for you.

2. In life, as well as in people, you see whatever you want to see.  It’s your decision to see the ugly and imperfections or beauty and uniqueness.
3. When you run out of dishwasher soap, go ahead and put regular hand soap in the machine and see how well that works out for you.
4. Experience always outweighs material things. When you can choose to have an experience, choose that every time because those are the things you’ll take with you and remember.

5. Set your goals high. No point in not believing in yourself. Every once and awhile you should blow your own damn mind.

6. When there is hate and pain, you still have ability to choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice.
7. If you’re on a road bike and forget you are clipped in when coming to a red light, you’re going to have an embarrassing fall in the middle of the road.

8. There’s no such thing as love at first sight, there’s infatuation at first sight. You fall in love after time, experience, pain, joy, and heartache.
9. It makes life much more exciting when someone comes up to you and says, “Oh you look so familiar, and where do I know you from?” To respond by saying, “Do you watch porn.”
10. If you start saying, “Why the hell not.” You’ll be amazed the changes you experience, new friends you’ll meet, and adventures you’ll go on that you never would have thought possible.

 

11. Thought I was ready to be a parent, I wasn’t. Thought I’d be a perfect parent and never make mistakes. I fucked that up too.

12. Sex is wonderful, however your first time will be one of the most awkward experiences of your life, where you truly don’t know what the hell is happening or what goes where.  (Yeah you wish I was adding a picture for this one!)
13. Many times our perception of others isn’t reality.
14. Be you! If you’re trying to fit in, you’re living life wrong. If you’re good at sports be good at sports, if you’re smart be smart. If you have no friends, go be successful - become a billionaire and give us all the middle finger.

15. Racism, hate, inequality, and prejudice are still very alive in this world. Love everyone always, for we don’t know what it’s like to walk in his or her shoes. Diversity is what makes this world great.

16. Each of us has at least two ugly years, where we look back and think what the hell. (Mine were 7th and 8th grade).
17. Never ever invite someone from an online dating site to your house for the first date. If you break this rule, do not let them stay the night. If you break that rule, lock your bedroom door and sleep with a bat. If you break that rule, get ready because it’s going to be a crazy night.
18. Sexy is being kind and smart.
19. Kissing is easy, but some people are so bad at it! No I don’t want the full length of your tongue constantly in my mouth, please don’t slam your teeth against mine, and for the love, if you have bad breath stay away from me.
20. Feeling sorry for yourself is useless. When something bad happens to you, get off your ass and change things so it doesn’t happen again.
21. Alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but neither does milk.

22. Get an education. Never devalue what a college diploma means. I learned some of my most valuable lessons while going to college.

23. Travel! Experience other cultures, the beauty of other countries, and the uniqueness of people from around the world.

24. If you are sad and need to cry then it’s ok to fucking cry.
25. When a group of guys are together and the phrase, “I swear it will be funny” comes out… It’s funny almost 100% of the time, but never good. Especially when you’re calling a parent from jail trying to explain “it was funny though”.
26. Moms… Teenage boys have an incredible about of unused hormones. They’ll watch porn and think the worst thoughts. Let dad deal with that. Never think “not my boy” because, yes…. it’s your boy and every boy!
27. If someone breaks your heart punch them in the face and go get ice cream. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get ice cream.
28. Parents, be there for your children, but let them fail and fall. Sometimes rock bottom is the sturdiest foundation to build our life upon.

29. If you drink, drink in moderation. If you love to eat, eat in moderation. However never ever do drugs, it will create problems and never permanently solve them.
30. We hurt those closest to us. We will break hearts and have ours broken. At some point and some time we chose to be with them and accept them. We understood their flaws, strengths, beauties, and weakness more than most. Appreciate them and what you gained from them when things don’t work out. Life rarely if ever goes the way we expect. Our life path is beautiful and each person we encounter will teach us something we didn’t know.