Mistakes Led to Happiness

This one is a little hard for to write. I don't know if I'll have all the perfect words. However, I'll try my best. I'm writing it in hopes that even if it helps one person, I'll consider it a win. I got asked today what changed for me over the last year. What my tipping point was. To give you the answer to that, I need to give you a back story. 

Somewhere along the way of life, I became very insecure and unhappy with myself. I tried so hard to fit in and be like everyone else. I grew up in a very religious home. I had never doubted my parents loved me. Out of all things in life, I'm certain my parents love me. However, I got stuck in this cycle of trying to please people. I always did what I was told and rarely got in trouble as a kid. I believed everything anyone ever told me and I never ventured to question anything. 

This became difficult growing up, not only in a religious home, but a religious community. I distinctly remember if someone had tried alcohol (or coffee for that matter), looked at porn, had sex, didn't go to church, didn't read their scriptures, ect... They had ventured off the deep end. I did what my parents taught me cause I respected them, and I never felt like I belonged to the LDS church. I felt like it wasn't who I was. I was so scared to tell anyone that though. I was scared to say maybe this isn't for me. I mean how couldn't it be for me, the people I respected more than anyone were believers. I did like everyone else, attended church, went on a mission, agreed to callings, prayed, and read my scriptures never without any questions. 

I've read a lot of things where people now said they finally realized they had been brainwashed or how bad the LDS religion is, ect. I am not in that same category. Not even a little bit. I believe Mormons can be some of the kindest, most understanding, forgiving people that are out there. I mean my mom for example. There's no one more loving and tolerant than her. Between myself and my little brother you kind of have to be. Like anything, there are people who fit in the 10% that frankly are just dicks. I know a kid that went to the same mission as me and was in the same group as me say some of the most nasty things behind my back and proclaimed himself to be a great active member. Like anything I believe those people exist. For me, I feel loved and supported by most people that I know. 

I got married in the temple and started not going to church. I started doing other things. I was so unsure about life, that I was extremely unfair to my ex-wife. She didn't know what she signed up for. She wanted to be an active member and slowly over time I was starting to realize I didn't. Jess and I were always friends, but never saw eye to eye on a lot of things. Unfortunately for me and her, I took the cowards way out and cheated. I wasn't man enough to tell her, I didn't want the same things as her. I learned a lot from Jess. Continued to this day. She never threw me under the bus. She never took my kids away. She's never used that against me. She ended up marrying a pretty damn good dude, who's also great with my kids. 

I was at a low place in my life and met a girl who changed a lot of different things for me. The relationship was doomed from the start. To be honest, we just weren't good for each other. I think both of us just wanted to be loved by someone and were willing to compromise to get what we considered love. Instead of being independently happy, we were reliant on each other for love and happiness. I don't know if you've ever been in this position before, but it's a terrible place to be. On the outside looking in, it looked like we were happy. However, reality is we weren't. We fought all the time. Said terrible things to each other. I quickly learned that you never know what a persons life is like. You never know what they are going through. 

We ended up getting engaged and I think in the back of my mind I thought everything would change. It just made it worse. Everything became an insecurity. Nothing we ever did was good enough for the other person. I was so reliant on her for happiness, I didn't even know what happiness was. Eventually she ended up leaving one day, at that time I didn't understand why? i was so hurt, I never knew how I could get over what had just happened. Never in my life did I realize that was the start of the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Let me get something clear. Before you think I hate this person and am glad they are out of my life, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I'm super grateful for her. She helped me in a round a bout way become who I am today. She helped me step away from what I was taught and that it was ok to be different. She showed me it's ok to be crazy passionate about something regardless of what anyone else says. At the end of the day, you have to be you. I respect her passion for life. She was bat shit crazy, but that's what makes her great. We just weren't great for one another. 

When she left it turned everything I ever knew upside down and I didn't know best how to deal with what life had thrown my way. So what did I decide to do? The worst thing I could possibly have chosen of course. Why you ask? Because usually I like to learn the hardest way possible. I don't make things easy on myself. I made up a bunch of stuff that wasn't true, didn't take the breakup like a man, became fixated on things she told other people about me, and reacted when she threw something back in my face instead of letting it go, ect. It goes on forever. I let it effect each aspect of my life. I fixated on it. I couldn't shake it from my brain. I got let go from work because I wasn't doing my job correctly, I spent less time with my kids, I became super unhappy. I had been so dependent on someone, I forgot how to make myself happy. My daughter stopped coming to my house she was so mad at me. Blaming me for everything that happened. She was visibly hurt. My life became a shit show. 

I owe a lot of people a lot of thanks for never giving up on me. I'm certain I was a complete disaster of a human. Frankly, at that point in my life probably a waste of space. I wasn't a good dad or person for that matter. I'm not overreacting, I'm just being honest. I wasn't happy. I hated every day. Every moment. Every second. I just wanted to wake up and start all over. I was so embarrassed about everything in my life. I couldn't face anything I had done. Then, it all changed. 

I think occasionally we get a moment of inspiration that can change our lives forever. I started a run up a mountain in Little Cottonwood Canyon all by myself on an overcast day. It started to snow but I kept going. I started to breathe hard. Sweat started coming down my face and the run became a head on collision with all problems I had faced in life. I kept running harder and harder. The snow was falling like crazy It was a white out but I didn't stop. It got steep and slippery but I didn't stop. I got to the top of the mountain and felt so vindicated. I finally put together a couple things that I had known all my life. I could change. I could change right that second and didn't have to wait any longer. Here's what I realized:

1. It was ok to be me. It was ok to not be an active LDS member. I could be happy by doing what I believed was right, regardless of what thousands around me believed. 
2. It's ok to be different. Fitting in isn't that cool anyways. The only thing in life you can do is be you. There's enough people in this world that someone is bound to accept you. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with anyways. 
3. To be great, you have to surround yourself with greatness. I believe and will always believe, you will be like the people you surround yourself with. I already had amazing parents, siblings, great kids, Nate, and so many others. I chose aat that moment to surround myself with great people and that's help make so much difference in my life. I have the best friends. I'm only a decent person because all you that read this are great! I have the best examples of friends in this entire world. 

4. Be selfless: So simple, so unassuming, but oh so difficult. Make someone else happy. It's amazing how quickly you forget about who has "wronged you" when you are serving someone else. This is something my dear parents taught me as a little boy. I've always known this but constantly forget. Mow someone's lawn, call and ask someone how their day is, offer help, take a friend out to dinner. Go out of your way to make a strangers day. Spend less time thinking about yourself. Stop worrying about you and start giving a shit about someone else.

5. Be kind: It doesn't cost a damn thing to be kind. There's no need to be rude. Let me make something clear, being kind doesn't mean being nice to 75% of the people we know. It means being kind to those we don't want to be kind to. Kindness is all-inclusive not exclusive. We don't need to be unkind to those that have wronged us. Fact of the matter is we never know what others are going through. Smile, listen, offer advice, and stop being a dick.

6. Don't ring the bell: Life is so hard, however the greatest joys have come when I did something I didn't think I could. If you commit to something, do it. Stop making excuses. Doing really hard things is pretty damn fun. I bought a cowbell and took the ringer out as a daily reminder that no matter how difficult life becomes, we don't ring the bell. It's ok to cry, be frustrated, yell, scream, or have doubt. However keep moving forward and don't you quit!

7. It's ok to make mistakes. It's never ok to run from them and hide. 

8. It's never ok to not take responsibility for things. Since we all make mistakes know what yours are and own them. Don't blame other people for your own short comings. Do what you can. 

9. Don't worry about what you can't control. Why you ask? You'll never be able to control it anyways. 

10. Don't judge. just don't f*cking do it. We all have hard things in life and we never know where others are at in life. 

11. Most importantly, spend time with your kids. They need it, you need it. Trust me on this one. 

I have learned a lot of lessons in life, mostly all the hard way. I do my own thing, I say what I think, I'm not an active mormon member, I use bad words, I occasionally drink, I've done everything in life you can do wrong. However, if you needed something I'd be there, if you need help I'm the person you call, if you need someone to listen my ears are open, I work hard, I never talk negatively on others, I love my children, and most importantly through everything that's ever happened to me in life I've found happiness. I do random shit, but I have fun. I remember the little things. I put others first. I have fun. I climb mountains. Ride my bike. Take vacations. Play like my son. Laugh at dirty jokes. Drink wine. Swim in mucky lakes. This is me. This is who I am. This is why I act the way I do. I've finally found who I am. This is why I'm happy.