20 Disturbing Life Lessons I Learned From Disney

Here's the thing, I have a four year old daughter that is enthralled by Disney. Every time she comes over she wants to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. My four year old basically runs my life and tells me what I should be doing. If I'm lucky, I'll get Pirates of the Caribbean or Goonies in. However, most of the time, I'm stuck with princesses. We literally watch the same damn shows over and over and over again. I've learned somethings I apparently didn't pick up as a child. Here's 20 disturbing life lessons I learned from Disney, and 20 reasons why a typical parent probably shouldn't be letting their four year old watch these movies. Who are we kidding, we will still be watching them at my house.  

Beauty & The Beast- It’s perfectly normal to kidnap a girl, lock her ass up, be verbally abusive, and not let her go till she's finally brainwashed and falls in love with you.


Little Mermaid-It’s ok to be a obsessive hoarder. If you’re mad throw yourself on the ground and sob. The moment you meet someone you must get married immediately, because what’s the point in getting to know them. Oh and if you don’t like your appearance, change it.  (Keep reading to get more information about redheads.)


Peter Pan-It’s ok to be a peeping tom and look through girl’s windows, sprinkle a magic dust on them, and force her to come to a place with you while she’s on the magic dust called neverland. While in neverland, you’ll smoke with adults, dance, fight all because you don’t want to grow up cause growing up is for pussies.

Frozen-Here we learn it's ok to be a bitch. Women find out that in actuality you don’t need a prince to rescue you because they are all disgusting, greedy murderers, or lying manipulative sociopaths. Running away from your problems is actually the best solution.

Lion King-Teaches us it’s ok to not share because whatever the light touches is ours. Domestic abusive is nothing out of the ordinary. Hakunmata or YOLO teaches us to do whatever the hell you want, you only live once. And finally our first movie where two men live together and raise a child! People that are worried about this stereotype look how well they did, he became a badass and murdered his uncle.


Hercules-If you have a child that is different from you, you sure as shit shouldn’t keep it. Immediately get that child out of your presence and place it with someone that is a lower class than you.


Alice in Wonderland-It’s ok to take hallucinogens that make you think you’re bigger and smaller. When that doesn’t solve life’s problems it’s ok to take more drugs that take you to another world, where cats and a deck of cards talk to you.

Cinderella-If there’s a child you like less than the others, make them do all the chores, be verbally abusive, and lock them in the house. Soon enough they’ll become develop schizophrenia because of this and start talking to mice. Girls, if you have problems a pair of shoes will make all those problems go away.


Snow White-While Utah teaches us polygamy is ok, Snow White teaches us there’s nothing wrong with being a slut that lives with 7 older men that constantly enforce this by singing, “hi ho.”


Princess and the Frog-White people are rich jerks that don’t share. If you want something in life, sell your soul to the devil. This movie is just fucked up. However my daughter likes it so we watch it.

Finding Nemo- Lock your kids in the house and don’t let them play with anyone that may be different from them. Because other people that are different from us are dangerous.

Brave-Fucking watch out for redheads, they’re bat shit crazy and will mess you up real quick.

Mary Poppins-If you hate your family, hire a magic witch you know nothing about so you can get the hell out of that house and not have to deal with your children anymore. It’s also ok to have spoonfuls of sugar and make up words, as well as date psychopaths that sing and dance with penguins.

Monsters-If you child tells you there is a monster under the bed. Stop being a bad parent, there’s a scary ass monster under that bed!

Pete’s Dragon-Smoking weed is ok.

The Land Before Time-If your first movie or thing in life didn’t come out the way you wanted. Keep making more movies but giving it less effort and thought with each new one that comes out.

Santa Clause-Want to know how Santa is chosen. If you shove his fat ass off a roof and kill him, you’re now Santa! How’s that for punishment.

Aladdin-It’s ok to be a thief and shows us women can be bought with things.

Tangled-If you can’t get married just go steal a child.

Mulan- Girls, if you want to be a guy, just fucking be a guy. Way more acceptable in today’s culture. We even have surgeries for this.

Hunchback of Notre Dame- You sure as shit better believe looks matter. If you’re ugly, good luck in life. It’s going to suck and everyone is going to make fun of you.